A Man should be introspective. He should have a firm sense of self. I apologise for how meaningless that last sentence was but someone suggested that was “the best way to describe it”. I think the best way to describe something is to explain what the hell you’re talking about. Thus; a Man should be always be aware that there’s probably a douche-bag in the room, and it might be him.
This isn’t to say that he IS a douche, just that he may be perceived as a douche by others. We’ve all done it, we’ve looked across the bar to the table full of guys knocking back shots and laughing loudly. There’s back slapping, there’s high-fives, there’s a bar full of people wondering if a circus has lost a group of clowns recently. There’s also a good chance the majority of us have been members of this travelling troupe of tactless twats.
Don’t be alarmed by this though, climb down off your 12th floor balcony of drunken recriminations, this is normal. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of; we’ve worn stupid outfits to dress up parties, we’ve waved a bartender over before finding out what everyone wants to drink, we’ve mock-wrestled in the street, in some extreme cases we have actually believed we could sing and attempted karaoke.
The fault lies not in the action, but in the misguided belief that this is ok. If you’re reading this and thinking “Of course I hit that guy, he deserved it. Didn’t he know who my inflated sense of self-entitlement tells me I am?” then I have some very bad news for you. If you’re feeling slightly ashamed of something you’ve done while under the influence of several “Bro’s” then that’s alright. The fact you can look back on your jager-fuelled night of fist pumping, tight shirts, popped collars and sunglasses worn after 6pm with a degree of shame is a step in the right direction.
Soon you’ll develop a sense of self-douche-awareness that allows you to look around mid high-five and consider how you might look to others at that moment. Are people glaring at you? Have you knocked over a table full of drinks? Is someone making a different sort of fist-pumping gesture while pointing you out to a friend? The Anvil of Reality has landed on the Will E. Coyote of your party. You’ve just caught yourself floating your boat of self-image ever higher on the tide of fuckwittery. You’re wearing a pink polo shirt (this isn’t an analogy, you should be ashamed of yourself). But, like Freddy Mercury during that brief moment is history when AIDS was fashionable, you’ve caught it in time.
You can now look slightly ashamed and tone it down a little, don’t stop the celebration by any means, just stop considering you and your friends to be the centre of everything. While the big book of your life stars you as the main protagonist, yours isn’t the only book being written. A Man should understand this, and once he does, he can apply this knowledge to others. He will see the group of guys wearing hilariously bright shirts and silly hats but not immediately label them. He will understand, he’s been there before and hopes that they have learned what he has. That deep down inside, there’s a little douche in all of us.
But seriously, un-pop that goddamn collar.
-Worst Guy Ever
