How to be a Man

Ok, so this whole premise may be set up to fail. I may be basing my assumptions on a set of criteria that has never and will never exist beyond a small group that have assumed some imagined authority without any real right. That said, I’m going to spell it out anyway. Like some Primordial Pope I’m about to stride out of the prehistoric ocean and start throwing rules around that must be obeyed for fear of an intangible punishment sometime in the future, maybe.

So this is it: How to be a Man.

Step One: Possess Testicles.

Seriously, I shouldn’t have to say it, but there it is. The most basic requirement of being a man: man junk. I’m sure someone will get upset by this requirement’s obvious gender bias but those people should probably find a better use for their time, like playing in traffic or responding to talk back radio. Which brings me to step two...

Step Two: Pity Idiots

Idiots will pop up from time to time in life. That might be a bit generous, "idiots are everywhere and everyday of your life will be a constant battle for sanity" is probably more accurate. A man shouldn’t directly make fun of idiots. It’s not their fault they’re stupid. You wouldn’t laugh at someone in a wheelchair, would you? No, you’d to the right thing and wait until they’re out of ear shot and then refer to them as "the world’s most half-assed transformer".

The same goes with idiots, you nod and smile while they explain how their cat is so interesting, or their tax reform plan is actually quite fair, or their election campaign is off to a great start, then you politely turn away and smile to your friends (you’ll need friends for this part) while waiting for the cheerful tool to move out of earshot. Once safely outside the idiot’s bubble of aural agony you can begin recounting how halfway through their latest plan for applying a carbon-tax to flatulence you discovered you no-longer feared death.

What’s important is that you don’t hate them. It’s not their fault they’re idiots. Just accept their differences and make a donation once a year to an idiot-related charity. Their names usually end in the words "football club".


Bad news Champ. This isn't the whole list, stay tuned for more helpful hints on how not to be a burden on society and a new bench-mark for douche-baggery.