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Wednesday 25 January 2012

Straya Day!

January 25: Workplace productivity is low, the temperature is up and so are the floodwaters if you’re reading this in Queensland or New South Wales (possibly on some kind of iPad flotation device, iFloat? Still better than the Costa Concordia’s navigation app “iTanic”). The whole nation watches as the day works its way to 5pm. It’s like the Melbourne Cup on a clock face; “and the minute had is resting at 4:59, but here comes the second hand, passing 10 o’clock. It’s at the 50, the 55, 57, 58, 59... IT’S 5 O’CLOCK!!!! It’s all over here for another year at the Clockwatching Cup. Pass me a beer, I’ve got tomorrow off”

The flag lowering ceremony was eagerly awaited
So I’ve read a few blogs and columns in the last couple of days about our annual tradition of taking a few moments (probably during office hours) to think about what it means to be Australian and what Australia Day is all about. We don’t do this thinking on Australia Day though, that’s valuable pool, beer and BBQ time. The usual questions come up; Who are we? Where are we going? Are we going to be ok? Are we too racist? And so on.
There seems to be a lot of concern about a bit of research that has been widely reported as “People with Aussie flags on their car: Racists”. What the very small report carried out by a few students for a research assignment actually reflected was more along the lines of “Leading questions in research makes conclusions easier to forecast, assignment easier to write. Tavern time also increased.” A bunch of students asked 500 people about their views of Australia on Australia Day. All these people were on the South Perth Foreshore and out of these about 100 admitted they have Australian flags hanging off their cars.
Of these 100 people, less than half admitted they were concerned about immigration, Australian culture, and had negative views of Aboriginals and Muslims in Australia. We’re not told whether this was Islamic Extremists, Islamic nations or even Islamic cricket players. Considering the news cycle at the time having a fair bit of coverage of boat people and various wars in the Middle East that had dragged on longer than The Lord of the Rings Exxxxtra Long Super Extended Directors Cut Collector’s Edition (with previously unseen behind-the-scenes footage of the making of the behind-the-scenes special).
The story apparently is that while a few people with flags on their cars were concerned about stories the media and Today Tonight/A Current Affair/talk back radio had been bludgeoning people with. Hardly surprising really. I’m shocked that there weren’t more people openly displaying racist or downright obnoxious attitudes. This IS Australia Day on the South Perth foreshore remember? Not exactly the place you go for highbrow political discourse. Punch-ons at the flag pole? No worries. Australia’s foreign policy and multiculturalism... not so much.
Speaking from what I’ve seen of people opinions of Aussies overseas, we’re not all that bad. You hear stories of Indian students being the targets of racism in Australia? It’s even worse in some other parts of the world. People like Australians, we’re considered to be naturally good-humoured and friendly. We’re seen as a friendly, hard-working nation with beautiful women, beautiful beaches, and politicians which are easily ignored. We have a strong economy, business is booming, people want to come here to work. Sure we drink a lot, and we sometimes get into fights. But on the whole we’re doing alright.
Aussie pride is a bit overrated though, be proud to be Australian by sharing all that we love with everyone else. Show people why Australia is such a great place, NOT why Australia is better than everyone else.  It’s not a race, there is no “winner”. Be Australian be being cheerful, good-humoured and hard working. Nation-level narcissism to be point of being masturbatory is the providence of Americans, and they’re welcome to it. They can have their redneck “immigrants stole my job” mentality and their loud-mouthed decrying of everyone else who is slightly different.
I’m proud of the fact the when we’re given a day off for our nation, we spend it with those we care about, we get together, we share food and drinks (sharing a meal is one of the most ancient rituals or trust and respect), we enjoy the beautiful weather of our country (once again, except those currently being flooded or cycloned, bad luck).
We’re Australia. We’re Awesome. People know it, we don’t have to tell them.
Happy Australia Day everyone. We’re doing pretty bloody good.

-Worst Guy Ever

PS - Fun Game: Drink every time some blogger or journo uses the phrase "navel-gazing" when talking about Australia Day.

Thursday 19 January 2012

Rhetoric Kills

Speed doesn’t kill, that’s just another convenient excuse that’s been jammed down drivers throats for so long that it is now being trumpeted to the exclusion of all else. I’m sure it’s easier to fit on a billboard/coffee mug/key-ring/commemorative butt plug/whatever than “driving like a dick, not paying attention, not understanding the road rules and then passing all these habits on to your children which for some reason you are allowed to teach to drive... kills”. The unbelievable single-target focus of so many road safety campaigns has resulted in the greater public only being aware of one single variable in traffic accidents. Speed.

On a recent trip back home from overseas I realised exactly how bad things are. People have absorbed the message “drop 5, save lives” like it had been chemically introduced into the water supply. I feel like this might be a once off type thing and this is the only message the government has ever been able to pound into people brains. What a waste! If I was going to get the population of a city to absorb only one message I could think of hundreds that would have been more useful. Think about it, you could have had the whole population thinking;
n   Stop being self-centred for the next 5 minutes.
n   Watching The Biggest Loser does not count as exercise, put down the chips and step away from the couch.
n   Buy beers for everyone in the bar.
n   Stop playing the pokies, you’re not going to get rich, spend that money on soap instead. Please.
n   Tits out for the boys.
n   Does anyone REALLY give a crap about this facebook status?
But no, instead people now think “drive slower than speed limit, be superhero”. It was great to see people driving along in a 100kph zone doing 80kph chatting away to the person next to them. That’s great, well done, please stop drifting into my lane... screw this, have some HOOOOOORRN (I wish i had a bigger horn, the kind that destroys eardrums). And then they look surprised!
“How dare you blow your horn at me sir! I’m a safe driver! I drive well below the speed limit, usually in the right-hand lane because it’s my right as a road user!”. This right here is how people end up in shallow graves. They harp on about their Rights and ignore their Responsibilities, like paying attention while driving (to the road, not the phone/kids/GPS in the middle of their windscreen).
Who the hell decided that driving 5kph slower was a good idea anyway? Aren’t speed limits designed to be the safe speed at which to travel on any given road? If that speed limit was 5kph too fast, wouldn’t that be changed? Aside from the blanket 10kph speed reduction on all roads across the state a few years ago, which has been largely regarded as an easy way to increase the number of people getting caught for minor speeding offences, what has improved?
Certainly not the quality of driver training. The current requirement to take an L-plater for an educational spin is having a full drivers licence for 4 years. That’s it. 4 years of not indicating, failing to give way, talking on your phone and having no concept of how a round-a-bout works. That gives you the experience necessary to pass on all these horrible traits to a new driver. You can’t avoid it, even if you have lessons with a professional driving instructor you still have to complete your P-plate log book by spending hours listening to Johnny-No-Brakes telling you that you don’t _really_ need to indicate there, or you can just get away with mounting the curb there. Nothing like having to spend hour after hour in a confined space with someone supervising you to help reinforce their bad habits. Good work to whichever bloody genius had that stroke of logic:
(Read in a posh British accent, just because) “We have a bunch of crap drivers on the road, we should make new drivers practice for longer under the supervision of experienced drivers. That will solve this problem!”
It was a good idea right up until it turned out the people who are currently crap drivers are the ones training the future of crap driving.
So next time you’re driving home plastered at 3am with your headlights off and trying to text a booty call, remember that to be a safe driver all you have to do is slow down from 50kph to 45kph on those suburban roads... verge, footpath... whatever. Mind that letterbox.

-Worst Guy Ever