An Idiot's Rug

I have a problem. It may sound like a common ailment. You may indeed have suffered from this at some point. The Australian Bureau of Statistics hasn’t put an exact figure on it but my sciencing suggests that 1 in 3 people will, at some point in their lives be the victim of an idiot (if you haven't and you can see two people nearby looking annoyed... bad news).

This may not come as a surprise to many of you. You’ve read those “Letters to the Editor” sections of the newspaper, you’ve listened to talk back radio, you’ve seen that some undeniably cruel bastard digging up the scarecrow-like corpse of Gretel Killeen and using it to summon the eldritch spirit of Big Brother for another horrifying season (where’s that bloody 2012 apocalypse when you need it). Idiots are all around us, they make life that little bit harder for us every day. The people who stop in the middle of a shopping centre and block the entire walkway to have a conversation. The taxi driver who has decided that “hazard lights” translates to “I’m about to do a something stupid, inconsiderate, annoying or all three at once lights". The bouncer who thinks you look like someone who got kicked out of the club a couple of weeks ago, by someone else, while he wasn’t working, but he heard the guy was wearing a white shirt, like the one you’re wearing now. Yeah, the peoplle you meet when you don't have a gun...

Sometimes this stupidity pays off and you get given back the change for a $50 when you gave the guy a $20 or bartender forgets to ring up a round of drinks. This doesn’t happen as often as I feel it should. Maybe we should start a national campaign to support idiots getting into jobs that benefit the people and keep them out of government jobs...

Then there’s the judgement calls; those times where you’re not sure if you’re winning or not. I’ve had one of those recently. Like a prematurely ejaculating birthday present, it came as a surprise. I have a fully carpeted kitchen now.

Yeah, that’s right. Plush red carpet from wall to wall all through my apartment, including the kitchen (luckily the bathroom was spared). I’m now stuck without a real idea of whether i should enjoy this or flat out hate it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad having a nice thick rug under foot when I’m cooking (ok microwaving, it still counts as food though) and while it’s new it remains nice. I’m looking at this like the US economy, or Julia Gillard though, I don’t see it lasting.

There’s a reason most kitchen aren’t carpeted. Kitchens are messy. That’s why you don’t see serial killers chopping up corpses in a bedroom or a lounge, too hard to get stains out. Serial killers know what they’re doing, that’s why they’re SERIAL killers, if they got caught after the first one they’d just be normal killers. A serial killer will go for a bathtub or a nice kitchen bench (proper granite, none of that Ikea crap) because it’s easier to clean up afterwards. I’m now denied this since I have a carpeted kitchen, on the bright side a whole bunch of people get to live a little bit longer... no connection... honest...

I didn’t ask for the carpet, it was just there one day (perils of living in a hotel, sometimes you come home and someone decorated). But honestly, I’m not too worried about cleaning it, that’s what housekeeping is for (perks of living in a hotel, I come home to a clean apartment every day).

So I’m not going to care too much about being a neat and tidy cook, and everything else can get sorted out between the rug and the maid.

Now to try some recipes that call for a lot of red wine and fire.

-Worst Guy Ever

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