Why are people getting so offended these days? I’ve read a few articles this week about the difficulties of censorship because describing what you’re censoring has to be censored. Australian customs recently seized someone’s midget porn. That’s right. I know you’re shocked, I said “midget”. Apparently it should have been described as “vertically challenged porn”. Penis? Vagina? No worries! Foul language? Quite alright. Midget? Whoa there, someone might get (a little) upset over that.
It appears someone has been caught short (yay! Midget jokes!) by the politically correct army of tools who have developed an industry out of making sure people aren’t offending other people or being insensitive. I have no idea who honestly would want to employ any of these people, but it appears they get hired “because we probably need one”. Much in the same way IT and telemarketing companies have Health and Safety reps giving tips on how to lift heavy things, because you do that a lot in a deskbound job. I guess they might get offended if their special brand of over-protective mothering of the entire planet was no longer needed. Oh god, i said mothering, not parenting! That’s discriminatory against fathers who work just as hard and are just as valuable, oh no! But of course they don’t understand what a woman goes through with pregnancy and childbirth and we have to respect that. It’s a sacred thing! Oh fuck! I said “oh god” before! Now religious people are going to be offended, and I used a small ‘g’ not a big one. That’s disrespectful to some deity because I didn’t treat it as a proper noun and that somehow makes him less real! And i called it a him! When it could be a her! Or it might not exist! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!
Wait, is God (big ‘g’ this time) actually going to be offended if I believe he/she exists and he/she doesn’t? If a deity doesn’t exist in the woods, and no-one’s around, does it still ruin fun? I’m also curious about the connection between religion and silly hats but I’ll examine that some other time.
You know what? Fuck it. Fuck you too. Sometimes you get so worried about something that you just do it to get over it because the fear of the event is worse than the event itself. So, in honour of every poor bastard who has had to tone down an article, or rephrase a hundred different terms in a short essay or who has developed RSI from adapting non-gender specific formats for a generic MacDonald’s application form, I give you the following:
n Your skin colour is inferior to all other skin colours,
n Your sexual orientation is the subject of ridicule,
n Your favourite colour is the international colour of autofelatio,
n Your mother’s cooking is comparable to prison food/sex,
n Your favourite band is shit and the lead singer is going to kill the whole thing when his ego launches its own solo career which lasts only slightly longer than you in bed,
n Your political leanings suggest you want to live for free on the government purse/are a common-as-muck bogan/sip lattes in ovary towers/want to do the sodomy all over Barnaby Joyce (just because his name sounds delightfully old fashioned),
n Your family tree has so many pricks it’s best described as a cactus,
n Your girlfriend inspired ‘blue waffle’.
Ah, that’s a relief, now that I don’t have to worry about offending anyone. I’m pretty sure anyone with some soft sensibilities is frothing at the mouth with rage now and is either reaching for their blood pressure medication or smashing their keyboard to pieces writing an angry letter to me and copying in every authority they can think of. I can hear the sounds of hundreds of caps lock keys being fingered in the foreshadowing of a vengeful fury of indignant outrage (by the way, my complaints line is HorseDicksAimed@YourMouth.org). Yeah, I put an email address joke in there.
Why is it such a big deal to be offended? I’d be more worried about being stabbed. That hurts a lot more. A bloke recently gave a co-worker a novelty apron with a set of fake plastic tits as a joke gift. The thought it was funny, the recipient thought it was funny, some cheerless dick in the same office as these people made a complaint. To which I’m pretty certain the correct reply would have been “And who the fuck are you? These two guys had a joke, it was a joke between them, you’re sitting over there getting upset because you witnessed a plastic tit. Well I’m seeing a tit right now, he’s still sitting in my office thinking of things to complain about to avoid work!”
Who really submits a harassment complaint on behalf of someone else they feel might have been offended? It’s like calling the police to a boxing match because the two blokes in the ring were assaulting each other.
As people we need to stop being self centred and self righteous. That person offended ME. That could be offensive to other people, I should do something. If blind people could see that picture, their feelings might be hurt, I’M going to put a stop to this. Why would someone to this? Because it satisfies three conflicting human urges:
1) To help other people
2) To wreck shit for other people
3) To prove we matter by influencing our surroundings.
When some do-gooder dick complains about a bus stop advert and gets it taken down, they get to see proof that they matter. For good or bad, they’ve made someone else do what they want. They suddenly feel powerful. Now we are dealing with an idiot with delusions of power.
You’ve all felt the effect of this. People who complain about service in a restaurant to get a discount, whinge about the government in a letter to a newspaper, whinge about music in an office, bikini calendars in a workshop, even a Christmas pageant in the city. All this whining because someone MIGHT BE offended.
Take the risk, offend someone, be a Good Samaritan and help them develop a thicker skin.
Like the big guy says: “Harden the fuck up, Australia”
-Worst Guy Ever
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